Let's Pretend

Let's just pretend for a second
That we are not who we are
Let's pretend for a moment
That we could someday be

That we aren't doomed
And a future could exist
Where we'd be happy
And free

Let's just pause for a minute
And take in everything that
we've been taking for granted
alone among these dreams

That we hold so tight
In fingers that get weaker
by the second
the moment is gone

When I close my eyes
I see you
I miss the way you smile
when I say
I like your face

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” Kurt Vonnegut

I took a boy/man home from clubbing the other night. It's hard to explain but as a single mum - well lets just say I have needs. I'm not looking for something that means something. I mean I honestly don't have time for that. And the boys (because that's what they are) my age are so dull. Some haven't even graduated from the monosyllabic stage. 

He was a tall boy with an average face and a slightly above average body. He was drunk and all disappointed that he'd lost his sports game (didn't care). 

We met in a bar. We have all been to this bar. The type of bar that you walk into and don't know whether you want to fuck or kill everyone. Anyway he was talking to me and I was ignoring him. But I hadn't got any (sex) in so long that after a couple of Belvedere, cranberry and limes, I was like what the hell let's do this. We made out on the dance floor, tongues and saliva a flurry, in completely different rhythms from, not only each other, but the actual music too. 

We took the party back to my house where we proceeded to disrobe. We were down to underwear (just bottoms) and nothing. 

I'm not bad looking. I've never had this trouble before... We snuggled after we passed out. He snored. I hate snuggling and I despise snoring. 

"I guess that's what they call Love" - anon

There was never a person that I could totally depend on. Not because they weren't dependable.
But because I am not dependable.
To find a dependable person for someone you can't depend on is basically impossible.
You have to find someone that is completely undependable in the exact same way as you are.
So you that you zig and zag at the same time.
You don't have to learn the dance because you both already know it.
It wont make sense to anyone else. It hardly even makes sense to you.
And yet it keeps going. And it's beautiful.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

One day I will be old
My skin will spot and flake
My eyes will cloud and glaze
My lips will curl over my gums

On those days I'll be tired
The sun will hold it's winter cold
for longer
And I will watch life move on without me

Today I am young
And grateful
I look at the world
And I'm a part of it

Most people believe life is short
But they are wrong
Life is long
Every minute filled with beauty
and fear and hope

So when I'm old
My final days fading into
My final nights
I pray you watch me
and know
I was young once
And I lived

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” Ernest Hemingway

Today I am tired
I fell asleep on the bus.
Now my neck hurts and I had to walk a long way because I missed my stop.
If only there was more parking in the city.

Here is a poem about being tired

Heavy weight on eyes that blurr
I hope I do not drool on her
So she wont say excuse me sir
This girl's asleep and she wont stir
My mouth will feel full of fur
I've missed my stop for sure

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

There are no words. There are only feelings. There are only sounds and looks. Glances.
There is no word for this.
He leaves. And again and again. And yet  comes back.

Is it for me?

How many minutes do I waste waiting. Thousands? Millions?

And if this was the last time. If this is the end. I guess I can say I loved deeply.
I would have given my life.
I would still give it.
At least I can say there is something that is more than myself.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Winston Churchill

This is the truth.

My life is not how I thought it would be. It's not worse. Honestly my 16 year old self would probably be proud of 21 year old me. But then teenagers are pretty fucking stupid.

I don't have a boyfriend but I do have a child. He has red hair. His real father lives over seas and my ex, and previous alleged father, left me when he found out said child was not his and now only sees my son on the weekend. Briefly.

So I'm basically completely alone with my son. Which is actually ok. I don't mind living alone. I do miss sex. But then I'm labeling my vagina as a no fly zone at this point due to my extreme fertility. I may seem like a bad person. And maybe I am. I don't want sympathy.

They say time heals all. I do wonder though if I have broken my life beyond complete healing. I know I'll be OK. Just a big scar not a festering wound.