"They tell us sometimes that if we had only kept quiet, all these desirable things would have come about of themselves. I am reminded of the Greek clown who, having seen an archer bring down a flying bird, remarked, sagely: "You might have saved your arrow, for the bird would anyway have been killed by the fall."" Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Drunken writing seems so inspired because it is usually true.

I have a best friend who is pretty much a bitch.

I am promiscuous.

I will never fall in love because I don't give it a chance. Also I am impossible to please because having unrealistic expectations of men and this makes me feel safe.

I am average. There is nothing particularly great about me. This very much scares me.

I waste my "potential" every day I don't do something I love. Which is everyday.

I hate everyone but I somehow manage to be loved by most. Which makes me hate them more.

I am painfully typical.

And drunk

xx

"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret." Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Regret is an odd feeling. I find that it applies directly to a single moment, action or consequence.

The night before last I had sex with my friends boss. I regret none of this even though the sex was average and I don't wish to repeat the event.

I do regret that everyone in my company will now know. I regret the consequences. Not the action itself.

"Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste." Lucille Ball

Going out on a Sunday. The life of someone in hospo is so dissatisfying.

I know I can't last like others.

"Something of old forgotten queens Lurks in the lithe abandon of your walk," Gwendolyn B. Bennett

Some people have this amazing aura around them that makes you want to be near them. These people have older souls, are more complete than others, you can't help but like them.


They are the interesting of the world. The people that have lived through everything and instead of falling apart they continue to walk on. They live with this constant air of nostalgia and retrospect.

I don't understand them. They want nothing but to live contentedly in their small lives. I guess ambition is for the weary, the uncompletable and the seldom liked. Dissatisfaction is the price you pay to feel.

"The writer has a grudge against society, which he documents with accounts of unsatisfying sex, unrealized ambition, unmitigated loneliness, and a sense of local and global distress. The square, overpopulation, the bourgeois, the bomb and the cocktail party are variously identified as sources of the grudge. There follows a little obscenity here, a dash of philosophy there, considerable whining overall, and a modern satirical novel is born." Renata Adler

"Adolescents, for all their self-involvement, are emerging from the self-centeredness of childhood. Their perception of other people has more depth. They are better equipped at appreciating others' reasons for action, or the basis of others' emotions. But this maturity functions in a piecemeal fashion. They show more understanding of their friends, but not of their teachers." Terri Apter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. " Phillip K. Dick

Being happy is like trying to hold water. As you are desperately cupping your hands its slowly leaking away through your fingers and evaporating into the air.

I finally have a good team of bar staff at work. I get along with all of them really well and we have fun. Plus everything gets done and done well which is more than I have come to expect from past workmates. But I can't help but feel like something is going to fall apart. I'm scared.

Which starts a vicious cycle because I then begin to worry that I will never be able to be happy without this "impending doom" attitude that seems to come with it.

Also I'm feeling rather anxious because I have a best friend whom I love to bits but is unfortunately an uncontrollably selfish slutty bitch. I'm having real trouble hanging out with her and even just being civil. I know deep down that she's a good person but its so hard to remember that when she's being so awful.

Yesterday we were out together and she wore my $250.00 shoes. Which would be fine. If she asked. Which she didn't. I couldn't stop looking at them all night. I have only worn them once before and now they are all scuffed. I feel like her selfishness is now rubbing off on me. It seems so petty when I think about it but I really can't help the feeling.

All in all not such a good day.

"When the blind lead the blind, no wonder they both fall into—matrimony. " George Farquhar

So I held a guys hand tonight. It's odd because I don't usually engage in such activities. But it's more odd that I actually enjoyed it.

I'm not saying it's love. And I still stick by my theories in my last post. But it did make me realise that despite my ability to be complete without a relationship I would still very much like to have some sex.

This idea presents a multitude of problems for me:
1 - I don't like to have sex with people I don't really trust.
2 - I don't like to have sex with people I actually like (for obvious attachment reasons)
3 - I want someone physically attractive.

Working in the industry I do (night clubs) I meet people constantly so you would assume finding someone that fits these criteria would be easy. Not necessarily. I don't date co-workers. I don't date regulars and I don't date within my friend group. I'm also quite a private person so friends of friends are essentially out too.

But tonight I met a guy that fits all the criteria. He is a friend of an acquaintance which is a gray area in my rules. He's attractive and he seems to like me too (hence the holding of hands).  And although I failed to "seal the deal" I have hope that a possible sexual partner exists in the near future. Whoop!

"There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact" Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

There really is not much in life that scares me. Aliens and the dark have lost their true ability to make a difference. The one thing that does keep me awake at night, and I assume many others, is there fear of acute and perpetual lonliness.

I'm not saying that I have no friends. Or even that I have no one interested in me. Just that the hope that I will find my prince (or princess) charming is dissapating daily. Perhaps I was naive to hope in the first place.

After much thinking on this subject (perhaps to much) I've come to the obvious conclusion. The confusing part to the problem. The equations 'x' variable. Me.

I am the only reason that I am alone. I am waiting for something and not going out to get it. I'm lazy and therefore dissatisfied. On this realisation something odd happened. I don't want to actively search for a mate as I would assume a discovery like this would make me do.

The fear just went away. On realising that I can control and change the situation at anytime, I can relax. I feel happy.

Alone but not lonely. :)

"From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step." Denis Diderot

I am currently reading the classic "1984". It still strikes me as odd to read a book written in the past about a possible future in a time that has already been. I suspect I will have a similar feeling when I watch 2012 after the year 2012 when I am not huddling in a giant boat with John Cusack. Although that scenario is not actually that unappealing to me.

Anyway I'm finding myself rather drawn to the protagonist of the story. "1984" not "2012". In particular the first half of the book where he feels withdrawn and unknown. He seems unable to feel for the things and people around him. He just accepts what is.

"People simply disappeared, always during the night. Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word."
- George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 1

The idea that all we are in the end is what we leave behind and the people we come into contact with scared me. What have I done worth remembering?

Answer: Nothing.

So this is it. This is what I know and who I am. And it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it.